"Hi, Jim," Big East Commissioner Mike Tranghese asks. "How's it going?"

"Oh, just the normal chaos," Delany will answer. "Y'know, Michigan loses to Michigan State on the last play of the game. Indiana, with one previous win, spanks Northwestern 56-21.

"Purdue, which seemed perfectly positioned to really chase Michigan for the title, gets killed at home by Illinois, which is now TIED with Michigan for first.

"And Ohio State barely hangs on to win at Minnesota. Other than that, everything's normal."

Dead air on the other end...

"Michael, you there?" Delany wonders.

"Yeah, sure, Jim. I mean, we've got a team (No. 1 Miami) that's gonna run away and hide. Virginia Tech loses its second in a row -- to Pitt, no less.

"And West Virginia beats Rutgers by a mere 73 points..."

Delany smiles a wicked smile. "Ahhhhhh, sweet stability, nothing like it..." he says.

There are other bumps in the schedule around the country, but Oklahoma, Texas and Nebraska still dominate the Big 12. UCLA, Oregon, Washington and Washington State look like they'll need the "jaws of life" to pry them apart in the Pacific 10.

And of course, Florida and Tennessee will probably duke it out with some West Division sacrificial offering in the Southeastern Conference.

The Big Ten, though, may well be named the Go Figure League. Forget Michigan State's 26-24 stunner over Michigan, if possible. And of course, we know it isn't, but humor us.

Concentrate instead on Illinois' overcoming six (6) turnovers in defeating No. 20 Purdue 38-13 in West Lafayette.

Coach Joe Tiller's "basketball on grass" was reduced to a half-court game as the Boilermakers' celebrated offense couldn't dent the Illini defense all afternoon.

Take away a gadget-play 51-yard fake-punt run by up man Joe Odom that set up Brandon Hance's 8-yard touchdown pass to Seth Morales and what you have from Purdue's offense is two Travis Dorsch field goals. Three-pointers, of course. But...

When Purdue could manage only a 13-0 lead despite four early Illini turnovers, defensive back Stuart Schweigert knew it was uh-oh time.

"I think the halftime score should have been a lot different," he told Lafayette Journal and Courier Boilermaker beat guy Tom Kubat. "Four turnovers at half and we only have 13 points. That's frustrating."

Hance called it "embarrassing."

He had company. "I could almost tell, based on the mood of our team at halftime, that we were in trouble," said Tiller to Kubat. "We weren't very emotional. Sometimes, it's just the look. It's not what they say, but what they don't say. We didn't have a lot of energy at halftime, and that's not us as a football team."

What they looked like in the second half might be difficult to portray in a family publication.

Suffice to say Hance's two interceptions -- one to Bobby Jackson, deflecting off the hands of tight end Tim Stratton at the Illini 25 resulting in an 83- yard TD, the other a 62-yard TD runback by linebacker Christian Morton -- were killers.

But the Illini are nothing if not opportunists. And to opportunize -- we invent new words every day at collegeBLITZ.com! -- requires poise and intensity.

"Give our defense a lot of credit for hanging in there," Illini coach Ron Turner told Chicago Sun-Times beat writer Herb Gould. "They could have pointed fingers at the offense and said, 'What the hell are you guys doing?' They didn't. They just smiled and said, 'This is fun. Let's go.' That's the attitude this team has."

These are the now No. 14 Illini (7-1 overall, 4-1 Big Ten) Joe Paterno and Penn State must beat Saturday to pull his Nittany Lions (3-4, 2-3) back to .500.

Meanwhile, in the always-intriguing atmosphere of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, much was being made of the key matchup of the Ohio State-Minnesota game.

Namely, Buckeyes first-year coach Jim Tressel vs. Glen Mason, Ohio State '72, the head Gopher and O.S.U.'s No. 2 choice to replace the fired John Cooper.

With the Buckeyes at 5-3, 3-2 going into Saturday's critical home game with Purdue, Ohio State's always- bubbly fans amused themselves with what-ifs on the WBNS-AM call-in show after the 31-28 hang-on-for-dear- life victory.

Bob Hunter, The Columbus Dispatch's longtime columnist, shook off the temptation to write about much maligned senior quarterback Steve Bellisari's best 2001 effort -- 12-of-17 passing for 203 yards, two touchdowns and no interceptions.

Or tailback Jonathan Wells' 152-yard, 2 TD effort.

Nah, he reasoned, this Tressel-Mason thing was a little too juicy.

"...A win for Minnesota and it should be obvious to everyone that (O.S.U. Athletic Director) Andy Geiger and Co. made a mistake, that if only Mason had been given a chance, the Buckeyes would have rolled into the Metrodome with a perfect record," Hunter wrote.

And why not? Typical Columbus. Spend 15 minutes with the 1.2 million assistant coaches in the metro region and you'll get 1.2 million opinions, virtually none the same.

In the end, though, the Buckeyes' survival at Minnesota could play a key role in catapulting them into a better bowl position, assuming they can win two of the final three -- a huge assumption consider- ing the little minefield run includes Purdue, Illinois then a visit to Michigan.

Meanwhile, Minneapolis Star-Tribune columnist Dan Barreiro took a glimpse at the Gophers' 2002 schedule, which opens with HomeDome games with West Texas State, Buffalo (we are NOT making this up...) and Toledo, then a roadie at Louisiana-La- fayette...and deduced the following:

"This should make them 4-0 (the Gophs are 3-5, 1-4 this fall). That's the good news. The bad news is that eventually, the Gophers will be forced to play a Big Ten game." Ouch.

And speaking of hurtin', we take you to Bloomington, Ind., where Indiana University's moribund Hoosiers staged a "Breaking Away" rerun at the expense of Northwestern.

You remember Northwestern. Two weeks ago on a Saturday morning, the Wildcats had been 4-1, No. 19 and facing an 0-4 Penn State team.

Now N.U. is 4-4 after a 56-21 punchout by I.U.(2-5) before another skimpy Memorial Stadium crowd announced at 26,213, but more likely in the 20-22,000 range.

The Hoosiers racked up 562 yards' worth of offense, racing to a 35-0 lead in the game's first 16 minutes, 43 seconds and led 42-0 at halftime.

Explanation, coach Randy Walker? "Our sideline was in a state of shock," he told N.U. beat writer Brian Hanley of the Chicago Sun-Times. "I don't think anybody believed it or could prepare for that mentally."

The "that" in question was I.U. running back and quarterback Antwaan Randle-El combining for 150 rushing yards and two rushing TDs along with three Randle-El TD passes to three different receivers.

It was the same collegeblitz that hit a stupefied bunch of Wisconsin Badgers at Camp Randall Stadium in Madison a month ago.

"I threw two interceptions inside the 10 yard-line that should have been scores," Northwestern quarter- back Zak Kustok told Hanley. "But this game always has a lot of what-ifs."

Indeed. And that brings us back to that virtual reality phone conversation...

"What if you run out of Maalox?" Tranghese, the Big East honcho, says to his Big Ten counterpart, Delany.

"I'll move back to Jersey and sell concessions at Rutgers games," he says finally. "What could be more low-stress than that?"

What indeed?