Answer: So he can park in the handicapped zone.

Question: How many Buckeyes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: What's a lightbulb.

Question: How many Wolverine freshmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: None. It's a sophomore course at U-M.

Forget the rim shots, do you get the feeling it's Ohio State/Michigan week?

Saturday's 95th renewal of one of the most celebrated border skirmishes will no doubt provide enough rancor. Proof positive is that many of the other Internet forum jokes would require a scrubbing with Spic 'n' Span.

But there's little doubt that college football's arguably most rancorous rivalry (all due respects to Auburn / Alabama, Florida / Florida State, U.S.C. / U.C.L.A., Penn State / Pitt and maybe Harvard / Yale) is in full flame on fan forums across the lower 48 and far beyond.

Anti-Michigan jokes found their way onto one O.S.U. board from the subcontinent, Australia, Brazil.

But as the two camps began their preparations — No. 11 Michigan (8-2) coming off a 20-17 win at Wisconsin produced by its defense, the Buckeyes (6-4) off a 34-22 home loss to No. 10 Illinois, the language comes from the Henry Kissinger primer.

To wit, let us hear from Michigan's chief smoke- blower, Lloyd Carr: "With such a good offensive line that has the ability to control the clock, a most talented defensive front with speed and mobility and featuring an All-American in (strong safety Mike) Doss, it'll take our best game no matter who's lining up at quarterback."

Ah yes, quarterback. In talking with Stephanie Storm of The Columbus Dispatch, Carr and the Wolver- ines took extra pain to avoid snickering at the Buckeyes' misfortunes at the throttle.

By now, you're probably aware this wasn't exactly Steve Bellisari's finest week. The senior captain was arrested for driving under the influence and found to have .22% alcohol in his blood, a full .12% over Ohio's legal limit.

So coach Jim Tressel immediately suspended his often-booed starter and replaced him with Scott Mc- Mullen against Illinois. And when McMullen couldn't get O.S.U.'s offense into gear, Tressel went to Craig Krenzel, a junior.

"I'm happy my son is getting this chance, but not under these circumstances," his father had told an ABC sideline reporter during the game Saturday. "We all feel terrible for Steve Bellisari and his family."

Krenzel made the most of his chance, guiding the Buckeyes from a 14-10 deficit to leads of 16-14 and 22-21, hitting Michael Jenkins with a perfect strike for a 17-yard touchdown deep in the end zone and conducting a 55-yard drive for the second.

But the Buckeyes' defense, about whom Carr was raving, simply collapsed under the withering attack of Illinois quarterback Kurt Kittner, who had buried Penn State the week before.

The confident senior ignored the howls of a record Ohio Stadium crowd of 104,407 to guide the Illini to the winning T.D. Linebacker Ty Myers took advantage of Krenzel's inexperience and misread of a short dump pass route to intercept Krenzel and jog in from five yards out. Ballgame.

And no excuses. With what was at stake — a possi- ble three-way tie for first place in the Big Ten with Michigan and Illinois — nobody was silly enough to think the Buckeyes were looking ahead to Michigan Week.

So Ohio State will settle for yet another backwater bowl existence while Michigan and the Illini talk Bowl Championship Series.

The Illini are currently No. 8 in the B.C.S. standings, and could solidify their claim with an impressive home performance against a suddenly- struggling Northwestern team (4-6).

Michigan, meanwhile, will eye the Buckeyes warily.

"(Bellisari) is a really good leader," Michigan defensive tackle Shawn Lazarus told Storm. "It's a shame what happened to him...But it's not going to be any distraction for us."

The Buckeyes, meanwhile, are sounding more like a bunch of Dr. Laura refugees. "I think at this moment it helps him cope with the situation he has put himself in," Tressel said of Bellisari, talking with The Dispatch's Tim May.

"I don't know that it is anything more than his knowing that regardless of how terrible a situation he put himself in, that this group of people is here for him."

You can almost hear the "Kum-ba-ya" chorus up and down Route 23, can't you?

Yeah, right. It's Ohio State/Michigan week, folks, college football's answer to Bears-Packers. Along about Saturday morning, bet the Lexus all the nicey-nice will be long gone and the long-awaited scrum will take on its own life quickly enough.

SPARTAN EFFORT NEEDED: So here is Penn State, winner of four of its last five, its lone failure an inabil- ity to hold a 28-27 lead in the final four minutes at No. 10 Illinois...going to face Michigan State in East Lansing (3:30 p.m. Eastern Time)

The Nittany Lions are 7-10 against the Spartans, one of the precious few Penn State losing records vs. longterm rivals. Now the bad news: The Nitts are 2-6 in Spartan Stadium.

And Michigan State (5-4 overall, 3-4 Big Ten) is in position to cement its bowl eligibility with a victory over the Lions. The Spartans will happily welcome starting quarterback Jeff Smoker, a Manheim, Pa., native, back as well, as he's fully recovered from a shoulder sprain suffered against Indiana Nov. 10.

State's defense has struggled against opposing offenses, however, so Penn State fans can probably look for a typical 2001 Big Ten struggle, which makes for a busy day for the scoreboard operator.

Michigan State's key concern is re-establishing its running game, which went A.W.O.L. last week in a 24-14 loss at Purdue.

A key reason why was a persistent ankle sprain that hampered one of the league's two best running backs, T.J. Duckett, who managed only a fistful of yards at Purdue.

"He is the focal point of our running attack," said Spartans running backs coach Reggie Mitchell to Lan- sing State Journal correspondent Jeff Karzen. "And when he hasn't had an exceptional game running the ball, we haven't done as well as we'd like."

In M.S.U.'s 26-24 last-second shocker over Michigan, Duckett ran for 211 yards, and he gained 186 against Wisconsin as the Spartans defeated the Badgers.

"I've talked to T.J. and our offensive line about the importance of the running game," said Spartans senior wide receiver Herb Haygood. "I think this week you'll see a difference."

More than ever, for defensive tackle Jimmy Kennedy, defensive end Michael Haynes and an improving corps of linebackers, it will be critical for the Lions to hold their ground against Michigan State's big offensive line.

If you're looking for early trends, look no farther than the line of scrimmage. A winning effort there would likely be Penn State's ticket to a confident approach at Virginia and a post-season nobody imagined.

WHAT THO' THE ODDS: Notre Dame's list of prospective candidates to succeed embattled coach Bob Davie, whose team is 4-5 and accompanied by choruses of howling alumni wherever it goes, continues to grow.

Add Oregon's Mike Bellotti. In his seventh season in Eugene, he has piloted the Ducks to a No. 7 rating, with a distinct possibility of earning an undisputed Pac 10 Conference title with a win over archrival Oregon State Dec. 1.

The Ducks are 9-1 this year and Bellotti's Oregon record is one of the nation's best over that period, 58-23.

Oakland Raiders coach Jon Gruden is still thought to be the leader, however.

One guy's early line...

Gruden: 2-1. An Ohio native and Catholic, Gruden's dad was on Dan Devine's Notre Dame staff in the late 1970s and is no stranger to the blue-gray skies. Choice may come down to perpetually cranky owner Al Davis or Rev. Edmond A. "Monk" Malloy. How long do think THAT would take?

Bob Stoops, Oklahoma: 8-1. A Youngstown, Ohio, native and another Roman Catholic, Stoops is said to have an "out" clause in his very lucrative Sooners contract, allowing him to pursue the N.D. job if he wishes.

Steve Mariucci, San Francisco 49ers: 15-1. Creative leader and latest curator of Bill Walsh's fabled "West Coast offense," he has kept the Niners in serious contention despite losing people like Jerry Rice. Has said he' listen to offers.

Tom O'Brien, Boston College: 30-1. A great guy, good leader and very good coach, O'Brien is a Naval Academy grad and Cincinnati native who went to St. Xavier High School there. But Notre Dame raided the Eagles' nest 60 years ago for a guy named Frank Leahy, who led B.C. to a couple of its best years ever. However, Leahy was a Notre Dame grad and very loyal to the power structure in South Bend. O'Brien seems galvanized to B.C., which has aspirations of battling Notre Dame on every recruiting front.

Bellotti: 40-1. Very outside shot, but if Fr. Malloy came calling, feel fairly secure in knowing he'd listen.